In his latest rambling Address, Trump spent the first 20 minutes digging through a pile of things, holding them up where nobody could see them, and muttering to himself in some weird performance art piece about the worst story time ever. Then at one point, Trump slipped into lucidity long enough to regale us with a tale about playing baseball as a child in a park that was "loomed over" by a mental institution which he then claimed were all shut down by Democrats (who are notorious for taking away people's health care) and the patients thrown into the streets of New York, somehow causing homelessness in California. He then mentioned that his mother told him he could have been a professional baseball player, to which he replied, "Thanks, Mom." He then went on to insult every ally and talk about the Nobel Peace Prize again, which he is constantly telling us he does not care about. There was a lot more crazy stuff, but it's honestly too much for one story and many others are covering that, so much so that they might of missed this fact that we just made up, err... found out.

The MLB, upon hearing that Trump responded well to praise about his baseball prowess, immediately named him MVP for the 2026 season. When asked by PolitiWear Sports correspondant, Sar Chasm, how Trump qualified for the MVP award when hadn't played in a single game and indeed wasn't even on a team, Commissioner of Baseball Rob Manfred said, "If it were not for Trump, there would be no baseball. Many of our players point to his childhood baseball games as inspiration for playing themselves. We feel like every home run, every run batted in, ever stolen base, in in part, thanks to President Trump." When Sar asked about the players feeling about ICE, Manfred said, "Where are you from? PolitWear? Is that a real thing?" Sar was then chased away by a gang of mascots and was unable to ask follow up questions. Stay tuned to find out what other undeserved awards people use to appease this embarassment to our once proud nation.